It's not you it's us

Welcome to The Mind Marinade! I’m thrilled you’re here. Each of these thought pieces aims to broaden your perspective and inspire deep reflection. New viewpoints are always welcome, provided we maintain an open mind, speak from the heart, and, above all, stay kind. Now that the introductions are out of the way, let’s dive in!

This week, I want to focus on intimate friendships and the grief that follows when that relationship is severed. We often think of intimacy as something that is only present in romantic relationships. However, some of the most long-lasting, intimate bonds we encounter in life are friendships. In fact, even childhood friendships play a crucial role in developing healthy coping mechanisms (PUB MED). Unfortunately, society often overlooks the significance of these bonds, leading us to prioritize romantic relationships over friendships. As a result, we aren’t always equipped to understand or cope with the profound loss of a friendship.

So, what constitutes a friendship break-up? I think there are two main types:

1.) The Crash and Burn and

2.) The Slow Drift.

The Crash and Burn break-up refers to when one friend does something that the other person finds unforgivable. I find this type of break-up often isn’t as quick of an ending as we’d like to admit. In fact, it usually follows a buildup of resentment. I’ve seen this happen to a lot of people when they go from friends to roommates. They believe the friendship is stable enough to survive living side by side, but a dirty dish here, some forgotten laundry there, and suddenly they can’t stand the way the other person chews. It can also happen between friends who become very close very quickly, usually due to proximity, like work friends, for example. The final straw might seem minor, but resentment, when left unaddressed, creates a toxic environment that erodes the relationship. This type of break-up often feels similar to a romantic split, with a clear ending followed by a period of separation. We have a better grasp on the grief that is to follow, but that doesn't make it any easier to process. When you’re the person getting broken up with, it can feel like you are not only grieving the loss of the friendship itself but the loss of a sense of self as well. It can feel like there is a disconnect between the person you think you are and the person other people perceive you to be. This can wreak havoc on your self-esteem. However, this doesn’t mean that the person doing the breaking is off scot-free. It’s extremely difficult to accept when someone is no longer good for you and then to confront them about the relationship. Instead, a lot of people will act as if the relationship was never really that deep and try to let it dissipate naturally. This brings us to the Slow Drift.

For this type of friendship break-up to happen, both parties must ignore that little echo in the back of their minds inviting their attention, like an old portrait that’s gone missing from the wall. Eventually, one or both parties move on, but the heartache can resurface whenever they are reminded of the depth that friendship once held. This is especially true when two friends who are part of a larger friend group break up. Those wounds feel like a stubbed toe that you routinely reinjure on the corner of your couch or the leg of your coffee table. You’re rushing to your comfort zone only to be smacked in the same open wound you knew you had by the same damn furniture you knew would be there. Anyway, it’s shitty no matter how it goes down, but I do think we need to start acknowledging just how profoundly shitty it truly is to break up with your friends in order to recognize how important these relationships are in life, and vice versa.

No matter the type of friendship break-up, mourning can take a lot longer than we expect it to. Do you think we should be putting more emphasis on these losses, or will that just make them hurt worse? Can friendship break-ups hurt even more than romantic break-ups? Do you think that, like in the aftermath of romantic break-ups, we begin to close ourselves off from that love to block the possibility of getting hurt again?

Feel free to share your thoughts down below.

As always, stay kind, babes. I’ll see you next week.

Wholesome Summer Pasta, perfect for watching the most harrowing murder documentary on Netflix with your girly pops on a rainy summer night. 

Ingredients

Banza or Trader Joes chickpea pasta shells

Kerigold butter, salted

Trader Joes Marzanino tomatoes

Crushed or fresh tomatoes 

Fresh Basil

Trader Joes Aglio Olio Spicy & Garlicky Seasoning

Dried Oregano

Ground Mustard Seed

Onion Powder

Paprika 

 Salt and Pepper

Graza Drizzle Olive Oil 

Grated Parm

Garlic bread on the side 

Directions: 

Pasta: boil water (I have literally never measured pasta water a day in my life, just make sure it’s enough to cover the pasta and not too much that it’ll boil over the pot). SALT YOUR WATER. Add the pasta and cook for about 3-5 min, checking regularly to make sure it’s just a tad al dente. Drain, no need to save the pasta water for this one. 

Sauce: 

-add about a tablespoon of butter to a sauce pan over low to medium heat and at least a clove of grated fresh garlic to the pan until the butter is melted and the garlic is fragrant. 

-add the tomatoes and cut them up a bit with the spatula, you don't want them crushed just bite sized

-add spices to your heart’s desire tasting at least 10 seconds after each addition (you want the spices to be immersed in the blend before making any additions) If it’s too sweet, add more mustard seed and onion powder. If it’s too acidic or “bitey”, add more paprika or herbs. 

-oil or butter your pasta lightly in a serving bowl

-add sauce over top

-top with parm and fresh basil and big ol’ slice of garlic bread

-find your favorite murder doc and enjoy